On Being Sophia

 Sophia's "Metamorphosis" by David Hayward (aka nakedpastor)

After much contemplation, I have decided to break anonymity and live my story, out loud.  You can read that post, On Being Sophia at my new blog, http://sheshakesthedust.blogspot.com/.

I will be transitioning this blog over into my "real" voice over the next several weeks.  Thank you for reading and supporting me!

What is Saving My Life Right Now?

I know I have been silent for a while...but I could no longer keep silent when I stumbled across this!  This is my contribution to Sarah Bessey's synchroblog: What is saving your life right now?

*****

The truth is, I am flailing...barely getting by. I am awakening from a season of grief and depression and trying to put all the pieces back together. I am trying to figure out how to live (contently) in a city I don't want to live in, while I wait for the opportunity to leave. I am trying to get comfortable in a new skin that feels ill-fitting and unfamiliar. I am trying to navigate life without the ready-made friendships church has to offer. I am trying to craft a "normal" life now that I am outside of institutional church.  So when the lovely Sarah Bessey asked this question, it caused some much needed reflection. I give myself permission to breathe. Permission to enjoy these simple things and not feel guilty because it doesn't feel productive, or purposeful.  After all, they ARE saving my life.


What is saving my life right now?

Iced Coffee

Watching my kiddos play in their pool

Searching endlessly for a new puppy on Petfinder

Jim Palmer's books & facebook writing

The Walking Wounded Online Course

Trying to live in the moment I am in...not the past and not the future

Any of my shows on HBO

And, I could never put all the pictures here, but what is truly saving my life right now is the "friends I've never met" from the internet. Thank you, friends.

My 13 Favorite Children's Books

My all time favorite books are:

Skippyjon Jones is a Siamese cat who thinks he is a chihuahua...most endearing books I have read in a long, long time.  My boys LOVE these books so much they want to get a chihuahua and name him Skippyjon Jones.  The hardcover books come with a CD of the author reading the book, and you definitely don't want to miss this.  It is on repeat at bed time.

Skippyjon Jones

Skippyjon Jones in the Dog House

And any and all of the other Skippyjon Jones books!

Boris Ate a Thesaurus

How Do Dinosaurs Clean Their Rooms?

We just got this book but my kids really like it.  It is great for vocabulary development.  Boris eats a thesaurus and starts talking in synonyms.  Super cute!












My boys love this book. We read it over...and over...and over. They love the idea of tidy dinosaurs (but never emulate them)!

Barnyard Dance

With a neigh and a moo and a quack quack quack!  Square dancing barnyard animals...need I say more?  My kids learned all their farm animal sounds and lots of counting with this book.  Super quick and easy read which is good because it is another one that you will read again and again.

Olivia Saves The Circus

Okay, what girl like me wouldn't love spunky, imaginative Olivia?  This one is our favorite...but all of the Olivia books are great.

Goodnight Moon

Cars and Trucks and Things That Go

No explanation necessary.

The Paperbag Princess

We are on our second copy of Cars and Trucks and Things that Go.  My boys LOVE this book and have gone through stages where they carried it around with them everywhere.  Richard Scarry is the best.













This was just recently given to me for my kids.  We all LOVE it!  Tired of the same old princess stories? In this one, Elizabeth is the hero, she outsmarts the dragon, and when the prince turns out to be a real "bum", she decides not to marry him and still lives happily ever after.  THE END.

Bread and Jam For Frances

This is one of my childhood favorites.  My mom read it to me again and again.  All of the Frances books are great.  This one is about how Frances refuses to eat anything but Bread and Jam (I have a "Frances" in my house), and how she naturally learns to want variety on her own terms.  She reminds me very much of Olivia.

The Value of Believing in Yourself

This was my absolute favorite...and I do not know a single soul who remembers this book except my husband.  I believe these ValueTales books were sold door to door in the 80's.  This is the story of the real Louis Pasteur and how he discovered the cure for rabies.  It is super cute and has a good way to describe medicine to kids.  I still have my beat up copy, but used copies can be found on ebay and Amazon.

The Monster at the End of this Book

Okay, maybe this was my absolute favorite.  We still read this to our kids.  Who can resist lovable, furry, old Grover?

Oh The Places You'll Go

Truthfully, we don't own this book because it is tradition in our family to give it to the kids when they graduate high school.  But this book is wonderful for little kids too, as it is so emotionally honest about life. I LOVE this book and wish someone would have given it to me a long time ago.  Maybe I need to buy one for myself.  Dr. Seuss tells kids the truth.  Life is great, but sometimes it's not.  Everybody is just waiting.  Sometimes you will be on top.  Sometimes people will be better than you.  Love, love, love.

My Last Sunday Morning

"Bridge" ~ A Sophia Drawing by David Hayward (aka NakedPastor)

Yesterday was my last Sunday morning.
Not on earth (hopefully!). 
In church.

After we left THAT church, we tried several, none of which we could call home:

Too Big. Too small.
Too white. Too rich.
Too clique-y. Too mechanical.
Too liberal. Too conservative.
Too complementarian.
Too Calvinist. Too legalistic.
Too much of a cult of personality.
Too big of fans of Mark Driscoll (this is actually a big problem where we live).

We were exhausted.  My kids are introverts, and they were tired of going into different rooms full of strangers each Sunday.  So were my husband and I. No amount of Starbucks or trips to Krispy Kreme was worth the anxiety that church now created for us.

Once we decided that we would move home in a few months, the decision to take a break from church came easy. We felt good about the decision to use our Sunday mornings for family time with our kids. We anticipated that we would return to our home church when we moved. So we rested. We enjoyed our kids. We went to Disneyland.

Months have passed since we made that decision. For a while I have been curious about the liturgical church denominations. Many people I know have found refuge in them after leaving evangelical Christianity. I wondered if this might be a good fit for me. I was hesitant though. I was raised Catholic and became an evangelical. Would it be too reminiscent of Catholicism for me? Or would it be the perfect blend of the two?

I pushed down all the anxiety I felt about church and decided to give it a shot. Alone. I tried to go with an open mind and heart.

How did it go?

The music was nice and the people were not overbearing (nobody spoke to me at all). The liturgy was okay and I could follow along with the printout. Soon it was time for the sermon, and I tried to listen attentively. Honestly, though, I was bored out of my mind. I felt like I was going to burst. I was anxious, my heart pounded. I wanted to run out of there. I wanted the sermon to be over and had a hard time following the deacon's message. He spoke about the spirit giving us wisdom and discernment, and how we are different than normal people because of it. I get what he was trying to say, but it still bothered me.

"I AM A NORMAL PERSON!!!"  My spirit cried. I am just as confused, broken, lost, and hurting as anyone else. I am not any better, wiser, holier. I do feel the presence of the Spirit. For that I am grateful. But I am just like everyone else.

My anxiety continued to build and I decided I was going to make a break for it. I plotted my escape. As soon as the sermon ended I grabbed my extremely cute seatbelt bag and asked the usher where the restroom was located. As I washed my hands I felt so divided. I knew that I was standing at a crossroads.

I opened the restroom door and looked to my left. It was the way back to the sanctuary. I should go back. I knew what awaited me there.

Comfort. Security. Certainty. Restraints. Elitism. Judgment.

I looked to my right. It was a long hallway, and at the end was a door with a giant green exit sign above it. On the other side of the glass door was a wall. I could not see what was beyond it.

Freedom? Loneliness? Authenticity? A slippery slope? Judgment? Loss?

I took a deep breath, held my head high and turned...to my right. I was aware as I walked down that hallway toward the EXIT sign, that I very well maybe walking away from Sunday morning church for the last time.

I smiled and went to Starbucks.

*****

It's not that this particular church was bad. It really wasn't. I felt prompted to try it. I thought it was because maybe this was a good fit for me. But now I think that God wanted to settle this issue for me. Will I join another team or will I be a free agent? I have lots of amazing Christian friends who are outside of church and since we decided to take our break from church, I have been trying to make peace with this decision.

My relationship with the institutional church has been like an on again off again relationship with a mediocre boyfriend. We have grown apart. I am looking for something more. Something real and deep. I am afraid to be alone. To wait for it. So I go back. And then, we start the cycle all over again.

"It's not you, it's me."

In the past, I have always believed I was to blame. I have believed it is because I can't perform well enough, that my sinful nature is taking over. That I am rebellious and if I would just repent and do better everything will be fine.

This time, though is different.

"It's not you, it's me. Well, actually, that's not true. It's you too. You don't really know me. You criticize me. You are holding me back. You are tying me down. I am not being treated equally. I want to be known, to be loved, supported, given wings. I want deep connection and for all the trivial things not to get in the way. I don't think you can give me that."

I have been leaving institutional church my whole life. Then I try another "team" and try for a couple years to squeeze into that box. I did it in Catholic school, I did it at 25, and I am doing it again now. Maybe, instead of looking at this as "it is not working for me anymore", maybe the truth is that "it has never worked for me".

I love Jesus. I am dependent on the Holy Spirit to guide me. Even when I don't realize it, it is happening and I see it in hindsight. This is enough. And now I actually feel free to begin to shape my life and make choices about how I will live under that guidance.

The idea that we are somehow better, more enlightened, really bothers me. Maybe I am oversensitive the the elitism that is prevalent in Christianity due to some of my experiences. But I have heard this type of thing before, in almost every church I have ever attended, no matter the denomination. I realize that each denomination is a different box I am supposed to fit into and I just don't. A very wise and trusted friend once explained that we pick what feels good to us and find reasons (theology or denominations) to back up our beliefs...And I have been thinking about that a lot. Isn't that what everyone is doing, no matter the denomination or God(s)?

I think the decision to walk away from institutional church is a difficult one to make. I very much love the friends I have from my old church (in another town), and if I was making this decision there it would be even more difficult for me. I don't think it is the right answer for everyone, I think it is personal. Many people have had bad experiences and have been able to find refuge in another church. And when children are involved, it is even more complicated. But for me personally, I feel like all that stuff is just complicating things and taking my focus off of Jesus. It is hard for me to separate God and the things people do in his name (both good and bad). It is distracting and guilt-ridden and not a place where I feel I can be honest about where I am and what I have experienced. I cannot say I will NEVER ever go to church regularly for the rest of my life, but for this season and as far into the future as I can see, I am walking away.

I have considered going, just to go, because we see some benefit in it. I have considered sneaking in for the last set of worship. The conclusion I come to time and again is that it seems like such a waste of time and energy for me. We stress out to get our family of 5 there on time. Then, when I am there, I either feel disconnected or like I have to play a role. I explained that I would get more out of Sunday morning if I went to the beach alone and walked, searched for seaglass and prayed. My husband would get more connection with God from paddleboarding. There are so many more amazing things I could do with that time then spend it somewhere that causes so much anxiety, confusion, and sometimes pain.

What if...
We made burritos every Saturday night and distribute them to the homeless in our community?
We took the money we might give to the church (salaries & operating expenses) and regularly buy diapers for a single mother whose child has cancer?
We met "normal" people and help meet their practical needs (whatever they may be)?

And I wonder...

What would I have done if I was not burden by the man-made doctrines and the guilt and shame? 

Would I have more education? 

Would I have started a non-profit of some kind? 

Would I have impacted people who are really down and out rather than living in my safe little bubble?

Would I have simply enjoyed my life more without feeling driven to perform well as a good Christian?
So how about you? Why do you stay? Why have you left?

10 Books That Changed My Faith

This is part of Sarah Bessey's 10 Book Week.  Each day she (and those participating) will post a list of books on specific categories.  I will participate if I can come up with a list :)


In describing her criteria, Sarah writes, "Today, I’m sharing the 10 books that changed my faith. These aren’t necessarily my favourites, or the classics, or the best written, or even my most beloved books about living life in Christ’s ways. But I wanted to share these ten books because they actually changed how I experience and understand God, and then, how I live my life in response. These books messed with me, man."

Since I am in the middle of deconstructing, it is very difficult for me to choose books that have changed my faith. Titles that I might have loved at the time no longer resonate with me and I do not want to recommend them.  So, I will recommend a few titles that still make the cut, and then list a few that I am planning on reading that I believe with change my faith.

7 Books that Changed My Faith and Make the Cut

The Jesus of Suburbia by Mike Erre
I am not even sure how I came across this book.  It looks at how Americans have re-made Jesus into a person we are comfortable with.  Mike Erre inspires and reminds that Jesus was the most revolutionary man who ever existed.  One of my favorite parts is how in the beginning, he explains what was going on historically during the time of Jesus birth.  The Jesus of Suburbia left me asking myself, "If we REALLY believe what we say we believe, why don't our lives look different?"

Divine Nobodies by Jim Palmer
"What does a Hip-Hop artist, Waffle House waitress, tire salesman, and disabled girl have to do with discovering spiritual truth? What if embracing authentic Christianity is a journey of unlearning?" I have had many interactions with divine nobodies who have changed my perspective permanently. This book will make you laugh out loud and sooth your soul. It will make you realize you are not alone, and that we all have a piece of the divine in us. I just finished this book and am starting Jim's next book, Wide Open Spaces: Beyond Paint-by-Number Christianity.

The Resignation of Eve: What If Adam's Rib Is No Longer Willing to Be the Church's Backbone? by Jim Henderson
I recently read this book after leaving THAT church, and being affected by the damaging teachings of patriarchy.  Jim Henderson is a wonderful storyteller.  Resignation of Eve is a collection of women's stories, categorized into those who have "resigned to", "resigned from", and "re-signed".  Some of the stories will make you cringe, some will make you stand up and cheer.   This book helped me to decide how I would respond the issue of women & church. My friend Jim lives what he believes and constantly empowers women to do and be all that God has called them to.

Unladylike: Resisting the Injustice of Inequality in the Church by Pam Hogeweide
Unladylike brought the clarity I needed to finally and completely change my mind about women in the church.  Pam explains why it is a matter of justice, not theology.  Pam is a former complementarian, and reading about her struggle and journey to change her viewpoint and find the courage to stand up against injustice is empowering.  Coming from the same background, it is refreshing to read a book about women's issues from someone who has not always been egalitarian.  Unladylike takes away the fear of having wrong theology and makes it an issue of standing up for justice.  She has also become my friend!

Freedom of Simplicity: Finding Harmony in a Complex World by Richard J. Foster
I read Freedom of Simplicity during the first month's for THAT church's plant.  There was a lot of pressure to do, to be everywhere, to be in community all the time with the same people, to live this crazy busy ministry life.  And it was exhausting.  Richard Foster's book resonated so deeply with me and really encouraged me to say no and step back.  It was only then that I began to see the things that troubled me and discern the direction God wanted me to go.  I love it because he explained so well the paradoxes of Christianity and how all things must be held in tension.

The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief by Francis Collins
I have a confession to make.  I used to believe in a young-earth. I read this book because I had to as part of my Comparative Religions course. It was a challenge for me because I was taught that science couldn't be trusted, and that evolution and creation were polar opposite views that could never be in harmony with each other.  Francis Collins is both a Christian and a scientist.  He hashes out all the standard arguments with both faith and reason.  A must read that I will be reading again!

Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit by Francis Chan
I am so glad that I was reading this book when I started attending THAT church. Francis Chan takes a fresh look at the Holy Spirit and asks readers to put away biases and really learn what the bible has to say about the Spirit. This book is what made what I would call the "absence" apparent. And it helped me to know that I could trust the Spirit's leading as I walked away. Definitely a great read, especially if you are confused like I was from my experiences with pentacostal churches (heavy on Spirit) and reformed churches (heavy on theology).

3 Books I am Anticipating Will Change My Faith

Pagan Christianity?: Exploring the Roots of Our Church Practices by Frank Viola & George Barna
I think this will change my faith and bring freedom when I discover just how many of the things that I have been taught are rooted in paganism. I believe knowing this information will relieve the guilt I feel about leaving institutional church.

What Paul Really Said About Women: The Apostle's Liberating Views on Equality in Marriage, Leadership, and Love by John T. Bristow
This book has been recommended to me several times.  I anticipate it will help me feel confident in my newly found egalitarian stance.  I am always reluctant to have the discussion because I don't feel like I can back it up.  I hope this will help me be able to do so.

The Ragamuffin Gospel: Good News for the Bedraggled, Beat-Up, and Burnt Out by Brennan Manning
This has been recommended to me over, and over, and over.  I am not sure what to expect, but I know that I am bedraggled, beat-up and burnt-out so I am pretty sure it is for me.

Egalimentarian, Part Deuce

This is my fourth post as part of the Rachel Held Evans synchroblog event, One in Christ: A Week of Mutuality.  You can follow this event on Twitter by entering #mutuality2012 to read all entries by participating bloggers.


You can read the first half of this story HERE.

God has done some amazing things in my life and shown up in situations that seemed hopeless.  I have faced many things that most people will, thankfully, never have to go through. In the grand scheme of things, my experience at Mars Hill was nothing...but it has changed EVERYTHING.

This past year has been one of the most challenging times of my life.  I say this because God has required me, over and over, to swim upstream.  I have always been a good Christian girl, I kept my mouth shut and went with the flow.  Telling my story and being a part of exposing patriarchy and spiritual abuse is something I never thought I would do.  There were many internal battles as I gave up my former image of who I thought I was.

Am I being divisive?


Is this really what God wants me to do?


If I reject the teachings that I have been told are ultimate truth, will I be considered a heretic?


Will I lose (more) friends if I reveal these different beliefs?


Can't I just keep my change in theology a secret?


I believe God can use any means necessary to lead us to the answers we seek.  He has used several people, books and blogs to bring clarity and encouragement as I have struggled.  I wanted to introduce you to some of those people.  They are some of the closest friends I've never met.

Yesterday, I briefly introduced you to my friend  Christine.   She is amazing, encouraging and affirming. Here are the posts I shared yesterday that you do not want to miss:

A Message to Discontented Christian Women


Normal Theology and the Council of Whitby (or Why You Believe What You Believe)

Coming Out Feminist or Anything

Being Born Again and Dying to Self

I also told you about The Resignation of Eve: What if the Adam's Rib Was No Longer Willing to Be the Church's Backbone? by Jim Henderson. This book tells the story of women who have resigned to (accepting the limitations placed on women in the church) , resigned from (organized church or faith altogether), and re-signed (committed themselves to changing the system from within).  It forced me to evaluate which category I wanted to be in.  I knew that I was not resigned to the way things were, and I was terrified of resigning from church and faith.  But do I really have what it takes to re-sign?  I emailed Jim and he is one of the kindest, most empowering people I have ever met.  Seriously, I could write a whole post about Jim and how his willingness to listen to me, affirm my observations and just be my cheerleader in this time has affected me.

Through Jim, I was "introduced" to Kathy Escobar.  She is amazing and I swear she understands things I thought no one could understand.  Here are a few of her posts that spoke to my internal struggle:

Ex Good Christian Women

On Becoming Less Divided

Well Behaved Women Won't Change The Church

Yep, I Guess I'm a Heretic

The Rebuilding After Deconstructing Series

Through Jim and Kathy, I was then "introduced" to Pam Hogeweide, who is a blogger and the author of
Unladylike: Resisting Injustice & Inequality in the Church.  Pam is a former complementarian whose heart was changed when Pastor Rose Swetman said:

“The issue of women and lead­er­ship in the church is not an issue of the­ol­ogy. It is an issue of justice.”
Wait...Justice?  This is not about theology?

Micah 6:8 says:
He has told you, O man, what is good;
And what does the LORD require of you
But to do justice, to love kindness,
And to walk humbly with your God?

And what of Nehemiah? He was shown the oppression of the Jews who had returned to Jerusalem. He wept and cried out to God. And then he took action. He mobilized people.

Rose and Pam were right. We cannot simply agree to disagree. This is an issue of justice for women.

I am no longer EGALIMENTARIAN. And I will stand shoulder to shoulder with my brothers and sisters as a proud supporter of justice and equality for women in the church, home and world.

###

Egalimentarian?

Escape by nakedpastor

This is my third post as part of the Rachel Held Evans synchroblog event, One in Christ: A Week of Mutuality.  You can follow this event on Twitter by entering #mutuality2012 to read all entries by participating bloggers.



At the start of Mutuality Week, I was intimidated.  I read some of the first posts popping up on twitter from other bloggers, and Rachel Held Evans' amazingly informative posts and felt immediately inadequate.  There were posts from a historical, theological and feminist perspective.  What original contribution could I possibly make that someone else, who has stood for equality much longer than I, could not do better?

All I had that was original was my own story and struggle through the sometimes murky waters of determining where one stands in a sea of opinions.  Many have read a small piece of my experience. Although it was painful, it truly served as a catalyst in my faith and a lot of my beliefs.  Today I offer you the next chapter.

As I corresponded with mostly women who had left Mars Hill, a common theme emerged.  The emphasis on complementarian relationships was oppressive and often the main thing that sent women packing.  The spiritual abuse stories usually began once the questioning began or the decision to leave had already been made.

The question that kept coming up, through conversations and in my own mind, was this: Was the way Mars Hill taught and practiced complementarian roles or the viewpoint itself oppressive to women?

I was very reluctant to reject complementarian teachings without full understanding what it meant to be egalitarian.  I had been taught to varying degrees Paul's headship teachings throughout most of my 20 year church experience.  Along with that I was taught that due to Eve's sin in the garden, women were somehow to blame and could not be trusted and must continue to "pay" as "daughters of Eve". When pressed I remained neutral. I even "trademarked" a term for my position: egalimentarian.

e·gal·i·men·tar·i·an/iˌgaləˈmen te(ə)rēən:
(Noun) A person who wishes to remain neutral in the debate between egalitarians and complementarians. One who does not advocate either principle but may secretly support one position or the other.

This was my "official" position.  Secretly, this question continued to eat away at me.  My first introduction to another school of thought was when Kaelee recommended her friend's blog: http://christinemarietta.com/.
The current post was called: A Message to Discontented Christian Women

"So, to women within Mars Hill, or any other community, who struggle with pervasive feelings of guilt and shame, who find themselves confessing and repenting but never feeling any better, who struggle with wanting to submit to their husbands (or who perhaps find a relief in submitting out of a fear of their own competence), I offer this: You can trust yourself. There’s a strong Biblical basis for you trusting yourself. I believe that your discontent is telling you something important. I think your so-called sinful desires that never really go away are not actually sin, but the imprint of God, the voice of the Spirit you received at both birth and baptism, guiding you in that still and silent way towards true life and freedom. Many of your sisters and brothers in Christ have held this theology of self-love, self-trust, and original goodness throughout the centuries. It is as legitimate as the messages you hear from your pulpit, just preached a little more quietly."
(also don't miss this comment!)


WHAT!?!?!  This was a new idea for me.  I was terrified and intrigued.  I was put off when I found that Christine studied Feminist Theology, was a therapist (bad personal experience) AND she referred to God in feminine ways.  This went against everything I had been taught.  But I began to look forward to her posts.  They were my "guilty pleasure". I found myself referring other women to her posts often...specifically:

Normal Theology and the Council of Whitby (or Why You Believe What You Believe)

Coming Out Feminist or Anything

Being Born Again and Dying to Self

She had opened a door in my mind and heart that I could not shut.  In this time, I also discovered http://www.stuffchristianculturelikes.com/ and got to know Stephanie Drury.  Her ability to humorously identify between Christian culture and the heart of Jesus and still hold on tight empowered me to call BULLS**T when I see it.

I am not sure how I stumbled upon The Resignation of Eve by Jim Henderson.  All I know is that reading other women's stories, the statistics  from The Barna Group, and Jim's demonstration of how Jesus empowered women at every opportunity convinced me that he was right, "women are Jesus' favorite group of outsiders".

It was official.  I was no longer on the fence, no longer neutral.  I could not, with conviction, continue to believe that it is God's intention that women be treated the way complementarians believe they should.

I just didn't want to to tell anybody.

###

Tomorrow I will continue my story...Egalimentarian, Part Deuce